There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for
marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and
nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to
ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.
so based on my observations, here are seven ways to avoid marrying the wrong partner.
Do Not Marry Potential
Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while
a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the
wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a
person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their
potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be
for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept
someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them.
These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or
practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication
skills, etc.
Choose Character over Chemistry
While
chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes
them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but
character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never
be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse
infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to
look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness.
Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity
Recognize
that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain
from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well
as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship
between a man and a woman.
Aside from the obvious spiritual
consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time,
important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go
to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes
difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about
them.
Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection
There are four questions that you must answer YES to; Do I respect and
admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about
this person?
Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
Do
I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be
vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If
the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until
you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel
safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust
now, this won’t change when you are married!
Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety
Choosing
someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a
long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the
foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe,
you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify
whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have
to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t
really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s
very likely you are in an abusive relationship which is potentially
leading to a wrong marriage in all standards.
Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner
Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What
do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this
person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?”
It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that
concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then
you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to
test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s
conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you
communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get
into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t
work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each
other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner
responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they
attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do
they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? [/b]Don’t just listen
to what they say but watch for how they say it!
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